January 17th, 2009 at 8:07 am
If you’ve ever been around someone who is persistently miserable you’ll find that they have a working strategy for making their experience unpleasant for themselves.
This article will give a few explanations why they use a strategy that makes them miserable, how that process works, and if this describes you, why you might want to change. It will also describe what you’ll have to sacrifice if you no longer want to be miserable.
Also, if the benefits of being miserable are enough you’ll learn how to continue to make choices and decisions that contribute to your misery.
The Benefits of Misery.
It’s hard to believe that there are benefits to feeling bad but the fact is that there are. Some of these benefits include:
* Uniqueness. If you are suffering you at least can see yourself as special and even persecuted.
* Righteousness. If you are miserable because of something outside of your control you can hold it up as a banner and proclaim that you must be right to have such an enemy.
* Blame. As long as your misery can be something external to you then you can blame it for all your problems. This releases the burden of self-reflection and change.
* Familiarity. Sometimes misery is the only thing that seems familiar. Getting rid of it would mean launching yourself is a completely unfamiliar territory and might mean new things about yourself that you had never considered before.
* Misery is easy. There are very few people who go through life and are naturally happy. Those that are have found a strategy that works for them often after a lot of effort. It takes some work to change ones thinking process.
How to make decisions that make you feel miserable.
* Ask a series of miserable questions of yourself like
“What could go wrong about today?”
“What do I have to feel guilty about?”
“Why do bad things always happen to me?”
“Why am I feeling so terrible?”
* Make vague and unreasonable expectations and goals.
By making a goal or expectation unreasonable you’ll make it impossible to achieve. By making them vague you’ll never know exactly if you achieve them and you’ll always be able to say “No, that’s not what I meant.”
* Think the worst first.
For any event that occurs you have a million ways of thinking about it. Go for the worst possible interpretation. For example, if you walk into a store and teenagers are outside laughing and smoking cigarettes they are probably laughing at you.
* Cling to past hurts.
Progress can be easily inhibited when you use past hurt of slow you down. These can take the form of lingering on why your life has been so terrible or even by saying “We’ve never done it that way before. Why start now?”
Why you might want to stop feeling miserable.
* Without a doubt misery is the number one cause of suicide. If you want to live you want to get rid of your misery.
* You will have more power (much, much more) and control over your life if you stop all the misery producing processes and take responsibility for your life.
How to stop making miserable decisions.
* Set reasonable goals using the S.M.A.R.T. goals process. If you don’t know what this is do a google search.
* Know when your emotions are trying to influence away from your goals and work to keep your focus.
* Agree to take responsibility for your life and especially for your emotions. This is very hard work but very rewarding.
What you will have to give up when you stop making miserable decisions.
* You will have to give up on the belief that your suffering makes you unique. The fact is suffering is ordinary and boring to most people. We’ve all experienced it and there is little you can say about your suffering that will make us think of you for very long. What is exceptional and unique is someone who makes no excuses for their life and decides to excel and feel joy AS A CHOICE.
* You will have to give up blame. This means blaming anyone or anything. It means even giving up blaming yourself.
* You will have to give up on fear and timidity. Only boldness and audacity can overcome a longstanding habit of misery.
Final note.
While all of this may seem vary callus and cold it’s important to point out that this is not an essay by which you should judge other people but only yourself. Bad things do happen to good people and it’s a good idea to help them when you can. On the other hand, if you find someone who is persistently and habitually miserable it’s generally a good idea to keep your distance from them lest they infect you with their misery and, beleive me, they can do that more easily than you think.
I was always somebody who felt quite sorry for myself, what I had not got compared to my friends, how much of a struggle my life seemed to be compared to others. I was caught up in a web of negativity and needed someone or something to help me to escape.
During an afternoon at work one day, aged around twenty one, a colleague I was working with started to talk to me. What he said was quite upsetting and disturbing, however would have a profound effect on my future. He said to me:
“Your quite a depressive person, aren’t you?”
“Am I?”
I said in a shocked voice as I believed I was no different to anybody else. He continued:
“Yes you are. You very rarely smile, you are negative about most issues and you always seem to be carrying the world on your shoulders”.
This man was aged around fifty three and continued:
“I used to be like you and then I was given some advice, of which I am now going to relay to you. When you feel down, depressed or sorry for yourself, read the newspapers or watch the news on the television. You may then realise that you are in fact one of the lucky ones.”
I listened and thought about what he had said. I had never been a big reader or watcher of the news, but decided to start. The advice was totally correct, the news from around the world and even my own country was quite shocking. I realised that the worries I had were actually quite trivial and that I needed to cherish everyday and start to look on the bright side of life.
Stephen Hill
“Everyone believes the world’s greatest lie…” says the mysterious old man.
“What is the world’s greatest lie?” the little boy asks.
The old man replies, “It’s this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what’s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That’s the world’s greatest lie.”
(An excerpt from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. A fable about following your dreams.)
Do you believe you have no control over your life? Are you who you are today, by choice or by fate? Will a change in your actions create a change in your life? Many people have given up on their dreams… they say, “Dreaming is only for the rich. When you have money, you can dream. When you have no money, don’t dream.”
That’s true… not everyone is lucky enough to be born with a silver spoon. If you are lacking in funds, it’s going to be difficult to start living life the way you want to. Money buys you freedom to follow your passions. But you don’t have to give up on your dreams, just because you lack money. Depending on where you are brought up, you will face limitations depending on your family finance, culture, and environment. Some of us are born to have easy lives, while some are born to take a more challenging path. Perhaps the limitations and obstacles you face today are part of your journey — you must overcome them to grow stronger on the path to achieving your goals.
When we are young, we all seem to have clear idea of what we want to be when we grow up. But somewhere along the way, these dreams get buried under the reality of daily living. The focus shifts from ‘living the dream’ to just ‘finding a good job with a stable income’. “Survival first”, as they call it. The sad part is that many people spend much of their lives doing what they don’t like, so they can finally earn enough to start doing what they do like. I say, that’s a great way to bury your happiness and turn into an economic slave. Doing what you dislike, day after day, will numb the sense of joy within you. Soon you will feel that your life has no greater purpose, and there is nothing to look forward to but work, work, work…. You will have forgotten how much fun it is to spend your time doing the things you like to do.
*~The Secret to Living Your Dreams~*
It’s painful if you don’t make enough money to live comfortably. But what’s more painful is if the work you do has no meaning to you. Everyday you can drag yourself to work, perform meaningless actions, and then drag yourself back home. Apart from sleeping, work takes up the majority of our time. So if you’re not enjoying your work, you’re not enjoying your life. And life is so short, isn’t it? We probably have less than a hundred years to make our mark in this world. And you never know… you fail to look while crossing the road and BOOM! You could be gone tomorrow. So why spend your life doing something you don’t like to do? We don’t slog three-quarters of our lives just so we can enjoy one-quarter… we might not live that long. Realize that the essence of your life is happening right now — you are walking a path; making your journey through life. And if the work you do, is not designed to help you fulfill your higher purpose in life, then perhaps you are walking in the wrong direction. No point taking this path… change direction.
For your dream to stay alive, you have to act on it. It’s like a fire that grows brighter and stronger if you fan its flames and keep adding wood. If you leave the fire alone, never doing anything to keep it alive, it will burn itself out. When you fail to act on your dreams, they die.
A little girl called Leanne wants to be a ballerina. But her family is poor and unable to afford the fees of the fine arts dance school. Her father tells her not to dream because dreaming is only for the rich. But her mother says, “Lea, you can be whatever you want to be. As long as you put your heart into it, and never give up. Always hold on to your dreams because when there’s a will, there’s a way.”
Leanne remembered her mother’s words. She paid her way through a college degree in the fine arts, using money she earned from working full-time. She was talent scouted by the Royal Dance and Music Theatre of England, where she began her illustrious career as a ballerina. Earning in British pounds, she made more than enough to support her family and give them a comfortable lifestyle.
Leanne had a choice… to fervently believe in her dreams, and do whatever it takes to achieve it, or believe the World’s Greatest Lie… that at some point in her life, she lost control, and fate took over. She had to have the courage to step up to her dreams, and not give up just because she lacked money. If she listened to her father and put her love aside because dreaming was only for the rich, then she wouldn’t have lived to experience her passion. She would pass on from this world, with the music still left within her… buried under some obscure belief that she could never make money doing what she loved to do.
There is music within you, and you only need to coax it out. The daily grind forces us to forget what we love to do. Imagine you’re retired… You have enough money to live comfortably, but not to splurge. How would you spend your time? What activities would you find purpose in? What would you do to amuse yourself? If you have an idea of what you would love to do but are not doing, then schedule some time everyday to do it. Making time for what you love is just like fanning the flames of your passion — the fire can only grow stronger. It’s what will bring a sense of purpose and meaning into your life; that spark of joy and wonder.
The happiest people are those who enjoy their work. They’ve managed to make money doing what they love to do, just like Leanne. And this can happen for you… if you are willing to reject the World’s Greatest Lie. Realize that you always have control over your actions, and therefore your results. The only time your start to fail in life, is when you stop believing in your ability to make a difference. You don’t need a silver spoon; you don’t need to be a genius. What you need is a sincere belief in yourself and willingness to take action towards your dreams. Believe me, you have what it takes. Just follow what British Prime Minister, Winston Churchill said in World War II: “…never give up, never give up.” And you’ll win the war.